They say two of the most difficult things people experience in this life are death and divorce. The latter can be particularly painful when the divorce appears to be brought on by outside pressures — a job, a family situation or a new love.
Heartbreak’s a bitch.
It was three years ago that I first began to see the cracks in my relationship with my longtime partner, but it wasn’t until several months ago that those cracks turned into fissures. After 13 years together, we were experts at negotiating new ways of relating to one another. We made several bold attempts to change the terms of our relationship, and we were exhilarated every time we found a new “solution.”
However, in the end, he fell in love with someone else and fell out of love with me. We both had to move on.
What does this have to do with graphic design?
Things like this happen to creative professionals (designers, developers, copywriters, etc.) all the time. As life events force us to slow down and turn our attention inward, our jobs compel us to keep producing inspired ideas — no matter how uncreative we feel.
For solo entrepreneurs, the pressure is even greater. In addition to creating outstanding work for our clients, we have to maintain a focus on our business. In the throes of tremendous grief, it can feel impossible to blog, to tweet, to update Facebook. In the darkest moments, we may wonder why we ever chose this. We may even consider going out and getting a “real job.”
I don’t profess to have any brilliant solution for the grief-stricken creative. Grief is a strange beast. You can distract yourself for a while — with busy work, anti-depressants, alcohol, sex, exercise, a trip to New Orleans, new friends, new relationships. You can give yourself a break and let your Twitter feed go to shit. You can allow yourself to act like a prick from time to time. I think it’s OK to let your life get a little ugly.
Sooner or later, you will be forced to confront your feelings — the sadness, the anger, the emptiness. You will need to find a way to process your emotions, via therapy, yoga, meditation, prayer, spiritual community, journaling or all of the above. (I recommend all of the above.)
Then suddenly and without warning, a sliver of light will break through the clouds. You’ll notice how your friends and family showed up in force to help you survive. You’ll come up with a sweet design, or an amazing business opportunity will land in your lap. You’ll feel better, bit by bit.
Eventually, you will feel more loved and supported than you ever have in your life. When that happens, you can begin to let go.
Thanks for sharing your journey Mike. It can be tough to work through the creative grief. It can even take a long time to work through issues, but like you’re experiencing, moments arrive that help you move forward.
Keep producing great work and sharing your life journey.
Cheers!
Thanks, Chris. Looking forward to writing fewer depressing blog posts in 2012!
It’s so important when we’re going through creative lulls to step away from the computer. We’ve been working on a ton of hand-stamped cards for the holidays. It’s a medium that forces you to think differently about design. Sometimes a profession in hand-stamping, wood block printing, or letterpress sounds like a welcome change.
Agreed, Chuck. It also helps to work on something out of your comfort zone. For me, blogging doesn’t come as easily as design. It’s still in front of the computer (or iPad, in my case), but it’s such a different experience.
Hi Mike, I’m so sorry to hear about what happened, and I think it’s very brave of you to write about here.
It was about 4 years ago that my father passed away, very unexpectedly. The very next day, materials arrived for me via FedEx for a sub-contracting job I’d agreed to do. Initially I thought I’d be able to push through and get it done, but I quickly realized that would be impossible. I had to make the tough call and tell them that I wouldn’t be able to work on the project (I also told them why, and they were, thankfully, very understanding!).
Looking back on it, part of me wonders what could have happened if I’d done the work–would it have made a great portfolio piece? would it have led to more work from them? Deep down I know it was the right decision for me, even if it wasn’t the best decision for my business.
You are right that grief is a part of life, and as creatives, we have to find the best way to navigate those feelings while (hopefully) not killing our business, but I think you also have to be able to give yourself a break when you need it–even if it means selectively passing up a “good” opportunity. It’s like you said in your post–if you can give yourself the space to be present to the grieving process, then eventually you’ll get through it, and maybe even have more determination for what you want to accomplish!
Beautifully expressed MIke. It’s so hard for those of who are creative, whether it be in design or in writing, to acknowledge the porous borders between our personal and professional lives. When we are off-track, the last thing we want to do is make ourselves more vulnerable–finish that draft, paint that picture, design that logo, lest we be confronted with more critique. Blog posts like these are why you are both my designer…and friend.
Anika -
Thanks for that response. It was so well put. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things that most of us will go through eventually. Should we stop working for a while? Yes, if we have to. Or we can try plugging away at our work and see what happens. There’s no wrong decision.
One thing I do know is that we have to be easy with ourselves and let go of expectations. Authors like Steven Pressfield implore us as creatives to face our resistance and “do the work,” but sometimes it just isn’t possible. The worst thing we can do is feel guilty about how we feel at any given moment. Eventually our emotions will shift, and our work will be better than ever.
Marcia -
I really resonate with the “porous borders of our personal and professional lives.” Self-care is so important in the work we do. We receive feedback and criticism frequently. That feedback strengthens us in our careers, but it can also sting, especially for those who are grieving a loss.
The best advice comes from the Four Agreements: “Don’t Take Anything Personally.”
Well said Mike. Sounds like your journey has been rough but I know you will come out better in the end. You are so incredible! Keep up the fight. Scott and I are in your corner. xoxo
Thanks, Lara. I love you, cousins!
Mike,
Your ability to see the beauty through the beast is what makes our lives better for having the privilege of being a part of yours. Whether you are sharing your creative talents or your love and friendship, the world is a better place because you did. Keep on keeping on knowing that you will always be loved by many, and that any of life’s struggles have the ability to enhance the depth of your creativity.
Cheers! Kelly
Thank you, Kelly! Great to see your name on the blog!
I wondered why I hadn’t seen you as much on Twitter. I broke up with someone over a year ago. Still sucks, still dealing with it. Here’s to a great 2012!
It’s hard to Tweet when you’re feeling blue. Hope to see you around in 2012!